What we gonna do?
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: "Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future." AU! That UFO isn't as uninhabited as Ford believes. BRING ON THE FLAMES! I REGRET NOTHING!
1. Chapter 1

**What we gonna do?**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

Deep beneath the bowls of Gravity Falls...lies a spaceship...A spaceship filled with the meager remnants of a once grand civilization!

But these 'Roswell-Grey' aliens were not distraught by their dire straits! For they were justly ruled by their wise(if sorta silly) King Xerxes! Who was at this moment disscusing their people's future with his trusted second in command Haman!

"You want to do what!? Exclaims a baffled Haman. Xerxes smiles and points to the numerous screens that show all that was happening in Gravity Falls. And all of them showed a 12 year-old boy in various misadventures.

"I've decided to make Dipper Pines my successor! The poor boy has suffered catastrophe, humiliation and heartache...Yet never gives up! That's the sort of spirit I want my people to emulate! I'll reveal our existence to him and give him the oportunity on his birthday! I'll leave the details of the celebration party to you! Chop-Chop! We have much to do!" Shouts the King as he leaves the room.

Haman just looks dumbstruck. His henchmen Buzz and Delete just look confused. "But boss...I thought you were going to be his succesor?" Asks a confused Delete.

Haman growls. "I will be Delete...one way or the other." He gestures toward them. "Do a song and dance number...it helps me think." He says simply.

Buzz and Delete nodded eagerly like all of their specise; they loved spontaneous choreography!

 **(music starts)**

Buzz and Delete put their hands behind them and pace back in forth rythimicaly as they sing

 **Oh no! What we gonna do?  
The king likes Dipper More than me and you**

 **Oh, no! What we gonna do?  
We gotta get him out of here!**

 **Oh no! What we gonna do?  
The king likes Dipper More than me and you**

 **Oh, no! What we gonna do?  
We gotta get him out of here!**

 **We could throw him in the dungeon  
We could let him rot in jail.**

Haman considers this...but shakes his head. "No, too conspicuous."

 **We could drag him to the ocean  
Have him eaten by a whale**

Again, Haman shakes his head. "No, too geographically inconvienient."

 **We could throw him in a Tiger, let him float a while**

 **Then we'll all sit back and watch him meet a hungry crocodile!**

"Too much animal involvement...I'm on thin ice with the animal rights groups as it is."

 **We could put him on a camel's back, And send him off to Ur**

 **With a cowboy hat without a brim, A boot without a spur**

Haman looks at them confused. "What good would that do?...dose Ur even exist anymore?"

 **We could give him jelly doughnuts, take them all away**

 **Or we could fill his ears with cheese balls and his nostrils with sorbet**

Haman shakes his head. "Okay, now your not even trying!" He snaps annoyed!

 **We could use him as a footstool, or a table to play Scrabble on**

 **Then tie him up, beat him up, and throw him out of Babylon!**

And then inspiration struck. "OR-" Interjects Haman with a smirk.

Suddenly he and his men huddle and whisper their conspiracy in hushed tones.

-"I like it!"

-"It's sneaky"

"And it just-

-"Might"-

-"Work!"

"One more time!" Shouts Delete eagerly, and the others oblige

 **We could use him as a footstool, or a table to play Scrabble on**

 **Then tie him up, beat him up, and throw him out of Babylon!**

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**

 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **BRING ON THE FLAMES! I REGRET NOTHING!**


	2. Chapter 2

**What we gonna do? Ch.2**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

 **(song begins)**

After making sure Buzz and Delete are in place, Haman approaches the king-

 **Your Highness, I believe there is much to fear**

The king looked at him surprised

 **Really? Are usual troubles seem far away from here."**

 **A much greater danger may await you now**

The king quirks his eye confused

 **"How's that possible?"**

 **With permission, Your Highness, I'll tell you how...**

 **….."Go on."**

 **It's my duty to inform you, and if I'm correct,  
To ignore this great emergency would be neglect**

 **It's the motto of my office, serve and protect!  
There are those who walk among us who show no respect!**

The king gasped in surprise

 **"Really?"**

 **The law must be adjusted! there are those who can't be trusted!**

The king was at the edge of his seat

 **"Oh my goodness! Tell me about these people."**

 **A sneaky group of people who do sneaky little things,  
Who live to steal from the people and their King.**

 **I fear if they're not dealt with, the prospect makes me weep!  
A Zucchini-sized sarcophagus is where you'll sleep!**

The king was horrified!

 **Really?**

Haman nodded. The king glared.

 **The nerve! I am disgusted!**

Haman shrugs

 **There are those who can't be trusted!**

The king simply looks perplexed

 **"That sure doesn't sound like a nice group of people."**

Haman nods

 **"Nope."**

 **Your Highness, I believe we must act with speed**

 **"Agreed! Say the word! I'll give you what you need!"**

It took all of Haman's willpower to resist smirking in triumph

 **A simple solution, but you must act now**

 **Well, how can I help?**

 **With permission, your Highness, I'll tell you how...**

 **..."Go on."**

 **After careful calculation, I've got just the thing  
We'll send them to the dreaded black hole of bada-bing! **

**But before I can take action, we have to close the deal  
And it needs the kingly imprint of your royal seal!**

 **"I agree! They must be busted!"**

 **There are those who can't be trusted!**

The two then sing together

 **That sneaky bunch of people who do sneaky little things,  
Who live to steal from the people and their King!**

 **For crimes against the kingdom, the punishment is steep,  
The dreaded blackhole is where they'll sleep!**

The king stamps his seal on the ordinance Hammon hands him

 **"The law is now adjusted!"**

 **For those who can't be trusted!**

Hammon runs through the ship, parchment in hand. He calls Delete, who tells him that their intel was correct Dipper and his Uncle were on their way to the ship!

Smirking Hammon then calls Buzz to tell him the king just gave him permission to reactivate the ships security system. And that all Automated Prison Droid's were to be programmed to send "thieves" to the dreaded blackhole of Bada-bing!

Hammon then slaps the ordinance on the bulletin board, thus making it official

 **"Ha!" Dipper Pines is busted!**

Buzz and Delete can't help but add ironically-

 **There are those who can't be trusted!**

They laugh manically at that...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **BRING ON THE FLAMES! I REGRET NOTHING!**


	3. Chapter 3

**What we gonna do? Ch.3**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

Hammon couldn't believe what he was seeing! "What happened!?" He exclaimed over the wrecked remains of the prison droids.

A 12 year old and an old man goes against an unstoppable, alien war machine...The outcome should have been a no-brainer!

And now this...when king Xerxes heard about this on their birthday...it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to connect the dots and see that the day they were nearly trapped perfectly coincided with when he had the king sign the order that allowed it!

If they spoke he was through...hang subtlety! Time was of the essence now!

He glares at Buzz and Delete. "Gather all that who are loyal to me over the king!" His henchmen look at him confused.

"Uh...boss? That's just me and De-De." Pointed out Buzz. "Oh...Right"... Realized Hammon. He sighs and shakes his head. "Fine, whatever. Let's just go!"...

…...

Dipper is thrown by Mabel's tearful outburst. "Look, I was thinking and... this is a huge opportunity for me-

 **BOOM!**

…...

Delete and Buzz smirked at their handiwork...it had taken some trial and error...but the Mystery Shack was now just a pile of sticks...

Suddenly Hammon appeared behind them. He looked it up and down. "Okay...they were in their house...and...and 'something'...something exploded...what-what...we need something that explodes here!"

He then sees something weird in the wreckage and picks it up. "What's this? An unstable rift in reality that could end all life precariously kept stable by a flimsy snow globe...PERFECT!"

Using their advanced alien technology they quickly(but safely) detonate the rift inside the ruins...Being careful to do it in a way that won't bring about the apocalypse and instead seals it forever...

…...

"Oh, come on!" Shouts an irritated Bill as his plan goes up in smoke before his eye...

…...

Hammon sighs with relief. That explosion was more then enough to cover his tracks...he felt like celebrating!

 **(song starts)**

 **The Power, the Power, whoa I love the Power  
I don't love my mom or my dad, just the Power  
The Power, the Power, Yeah I love the Power  
I gave everything that I had for the Power**

 **I don't want no food when it's time to feed**  
 **A big bag o' Power is all that I need**  
 **I don't want no buddies to come out and play**  
 **I'll sit on my sofa and use my Power all day**  
 **I wont go to church and I wont go to school,**  
 **that stuff is for sissys, but having Power is cool!**

Buzz and Delete sing Backup-

 **I don't want no pickles, I don't want no powder, I just want a Kingdom a crown and Power  
I don't want a tissue when my nose is sour, I just want a Kingdom a crown and Power  
I don't want to tell you a joke that is louder, I just want a Kingdom a crown and Power  
I don't want to play on a day through the Flower, I just want a Kingdom a crown and Power**

Hammon brings it home!

 **The Power, the Power, whoa I love the Power  
I don't love my mom or my dad, just the Power  
The Power, the Power, Yeah I love the Power  
I gave everything that I ha-a-a-aaaad fo-or the Po-weerrrr!**

They laugh manically, as they activate their cannons auto-retrieval, and go to a pub to celebrate their victory...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **BRING ON THE FLAMES! I REGRET NOTHING!**


	4. Chapter 4

**What we gonna do? Ch.4**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

 **AN: For those of you who haven't read my announcement...which seems to be a lot of you...I'm still on Hiatus! This is just an exception! Read my announcement! It'll explain things in more detail!(seriously, do you have any idea how long it took me to debug that announcement?)**

…...

Haman and his minions triumphantly return to the ship. They quickly head to the kings throne room to give him the 'bad news'.

"Dreadful news my king!" Shouts Haman dramatically as he enters the room. "I'm afraid Dipper and his entire family have perished in a dreadful explosion!"

"Not today sucker!" Shouts a voice. Haman turns deathly pale! It was Mabel! And Dipper! And their uncles! And the rest of the Mystery Shack gang! All standing beside a disappointed looking Xerxes.

Hamman quickly composed himself(and quashed his henchmen's mouths before they could stammer anything incriminating in their panic).

"Oh! Dipper!...your alive- Which is wonderful of course!" Said Hammon quickly.

"Save it jerk! We know you tried to have us killed!" Shouts Stan irritably. "What!?" Exclaimed Hammon is his best attempt to sound indignant rather than suspicious(which wasn't great).

"How dare you accuse me! King Xerxe's Grand Vizzer!" Ford shook his head. "Yeah, next time you try to blow up a persons house. Use henchmen that can actually shoot a target!"

...

" _Wow, this is just sad." Said Mabel, and the rest of the group couldn't help but nod in agreement as they watched from the bushes as Buzz and Delete once more failed to fire a round anywhere near the house!_

 _ **BOOM!**_

...

Eveidently, after hearing the first silo miss, they ran from the house and spied on Buzz and Delete...100 shots later...they finally hit the Shack by accident.

"You also shouldn't disscus your plan outloud...let alone sing it." Says Wendy smugly as she brings out her phone showing the recording of Haman setting up the explosion and singing.

After Haman left. The Mystery Shack gang got onto the cannon; just as the auto-retrival kicked in. It flew them right back to the ship-

...

" _Uh, boss? We got a situation here." Stated one of the hanger bay workers as he beheld the cannon fly in with a bunch of startled humans hanging on-_

...

To say that Dipper was surprised to learn that he'd been chosen to be the next leader/repositor for the knowledge of an entire alien race, would be a huge understatement. However, he was putting any thought of that on hold until they dealt with Haman...although it was nice of Xerxes to let him and Mabel use his teleporter. Now Dipper can stay in Gravity Falls with Ford and Mabel could visit him anytime she wanted!

Xerxes shook his head. "You must admit Haman; this looks bad. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you and your henchmen to step into the brain scanner to test your guilt."

Hammon paled. "Right...yes, of course! Anything for you my king! I'd do it immediately...except...

He turns to Buzz. "Don't I have a vey important appointment that's crucial for...you know...stability or something like that?" He asked him frantically.

"Wha- Oh, yeah! Very important! We need to do that...thing now!" "Oh, that dose sound important." Admited Xerxes. "You best be off then." Hamman and his men were quick to flee-

 **(music starts)**

"WAIT, WHAT!? No, your highness! He's just trying to get away!" Shouts Dipper frantically.

"What? GAH! Curse my easy going nature! Guards! After them!" "Can we do song while we do it?" Asked a guard.

Xerxes thinks about it, then nods. "Yes, we could all use a nice song to cheer us up; couldn't we?"

Stan groaned. "Oy, vey! Again with the singing? What is this, Oaklahoma?" But in any case the Gang chases Haman with the guards...

 **Oh no! What you gonna do?  
The king found out that you hated Dipper More than me and you**

 **Oh, no! What you gonna do?  
Your not getting out of here!**

"Uh, boss? Isn't there song alot like- "Yes Buzz! I'm well aware of the ironic echo! Just shut up and keep running!" Shouts Haman as they run out of the ship.

Meanwhile, the rest of the aliens(always up for a song); ran out after him as well

 **Oh no! What you gonna do?  
The king found out that you hated Dipper More than me and you**

 **Oh, no! What we gonna do?  
Your not getting out of here!**

"Wait, did they hear our song? If so, how? And why did they let us- "Delete! Less talk, more run!" Screams Haman!

He dose this while accidentally knocking over Jeff's 'squirrel bath'. Jeff commands his gnomes to retaliate and they all join in the chase through the forest.

 **We could throw them in the dungeon  
We could let themm rot in jail.**

Hammon runs straight through the minitours cave, not wanting to be outdone by a bunch of scrawny weaklings(and always on the look out for something to hurt), they join the chase as well.

 **We could drag them to the ocean  
Have them eaten by a whale**

Celestabellebethabelle wakes up angrily as Hamman accidentally trampled her locks of hair as he ran past. She gives an enraged neigh, rallying her fellow unicorns to give chase after them

 **We could throw them in a Tiger, let them float a while**

 **Then we'll all sit back and watch them meet a hungry crocodile!**

Haman, Buzz, and Delete try to hide in a cave-

ROAR!

-Only to run immediately out as the multi-bear gave chase as well.

 **We could put themm on a camel's back, And send them off to Ur**

 **With a cowboy hat without a brim, A boot without a spur**

The people of Gravity Falls believing their witnessing a weird parade, join in the chase as well

 **We could give them jelly doughnuts, take them all away**

 **Or we could fill their ears with cheese balls and their nostrils with sorbet**

ZAP!

Bill, still irritated by the complete collapse of his plan. Uses a loophole to physically manifest himself for five minutes. So that he too can join the chase...and shoot lightning at Haman

 **We could use them as a footstool, or a table to play Scrabble on**

 **Then tie them up, beat them up, and throw them out of Babylon!**

"BRING IT ON HOME!" Shouts Mabel!

 **We could use them as a footstool, or a table to play Scrabble on**

 **Then tie them up, beat them up, and throw them out of Babylon!**

And so it was that Haman was chased out of town and into the setting sun. Ending another 'normal' day in Gravity Falls...

 **(music ends)**

…...

THE END

 **BRING ON THE FLAMES! I REGRET NOTHING!**


End file.
